Poker Joke Of The Day : General Chat

Joke of the Day

Everyone needs a small timeout from work, studies, and especially poker
Lets hope a good joke will cheer you up!

So, post the best jokes on the poker theme!!

Poker Joke Of The Day

Two two poker players are hiking in the woods when one stops to take a leak. He is bitten **"RIGHT THERE"** by a rattlesnake. "I'll go into town for a doctor," the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town's only doctor, who is delivering a baby. "I can't leave," the doctor says. But here's what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground." The guy ruins back to his friend, who is in agony. "What did the doctor say?" the victim asks. "Doc says you're gonna die."

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...
Satan: Why so glum?
Guy: Why do you think? I'm in hell!
Satan: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Satan: Well you're going to love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, Tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab and fresca. And we don't worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway.
Guy: Gee, that sounds great!
Satan: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it!
Satan: All right! You're going to love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie, you're already dead, remember?
Guy: Wow, that's awesome!
Satan: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Satan: 'Cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt... you're dead anyhow.
Guy: WOW! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!
Satan: You gay?
Guy: No...
Satan: Ooooh (grimaces). Then you're going to hate Fridays.

A doctor answers his phone and hears the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.
"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend. "I'll be right over," whispered the doctor. As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?" "Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, there are three doctors there already!"

A Christmas Story

Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the house
Not a hand would hold up
Thanks to that no good, no fold-em, idiot louse!

His stacks grew higher
Mine waned towards the felt
Now this S.O.B. has put me on TILT!

"CHIPS" cried the dealer
As I fumbled for cash
We were at war
Me and this little, river rat, 2-6 offsuit playing ASS!

When what to my wandering eyes should appear?
But a pocket full of aces to bring me good cheer!
"RAISE" called the maniac, "RE-RAISE" I cried
"CAP" he hissed, with all hands still alive.

An 8-way pot at limits 6 and 12
Deeper into this story we shall now delve...
I flopped my Ace, this much is true
But little did I know he was holding two-two.

Heads up betting had me calling "All-In"
But there was no doubt that the best hand would win!
A two on the flop gave me no dismay
I was busily counting chips that would soon come my way.

The board paired on fourth street, giving me the nuts I assumed
And turned over my Aces for his eyes to consume.
He paused just a moment before "2!!" he did call...
And Miraculously.....................................................the
case deuce on the river did fall

"Nice Catch" I muttered, editing my initial reply
Where I'd tell this guy off, instead yelled "REBUY!"
While up in chips with these massive stacks
Maniac forgot to protect them and eventually gave them all back.

Within three hours I heard him mutter "all-in"
Head hung, defeated, he'd committed a poker sin
I raised on the button for "protection" (I lied)
Just wanted it heads up to restore my pride.

Burning and turning the board soon displayed
I'd caught an ace on the river to his dismay.
As he turned to go, I said (rather snobby)

"Merry Christmas! Oh and my book is for sale in the lobby!"

Pack Up

A man came home from a poker game late one night and found his hideous harpy of a wife waiting for him with a rolling pin.

"Where the hell have you been?" she asked.

"You'll have to pack all your things, dear," he ad-libbed. "I've just lost you in a card game."

"How did you manage to do that?"

"It wasn't easy, honest. I had to fold with a royal flush."

Dog Gone Poker

A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards. The dog was playing with extraordinary performance.

"This is a very smart dog.", the man commented.

"Not so smart," said one of the players. "every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail."

Playing Poker with Dog

Judith walked into her living room and saw her brother playing Poker with their dog. "Amazing!" she sputtered. "This must be the smartest dog in the history of the world!" "He's not so smart," her brother mumbled. "I've beaten him three out of five games so far."

Red Dog Poker

A Red dog walks into Western Union and asks the clerk to send a telegram. He fills out a form on which he writes down the telegram he wishes to send: "Bow wow Poker, Bow wow Poker."

The clerk says, "You can add another "Bow wow' for the same price."

"But," the dog responded, "wouldn't that sound a little silly?"

Dog Poker

Two dog owners were bragging about the intelligence of their pets. "The brightest dog I ever had," said one, "was a Great Dane that could play cards. He was a whiz at poker, but I had him put to sleep." "You had him put to sleep, a bright dog like that? A dog like that would be worth a million dollars." "Had to," he replied, "Caught him using marked cards!"

Poker Cheatin'

Four cowboys were at an old saloon in Tombstone playing poker. A lot of money was at stake as the cards were dealt, and each was keeping a sharp eye on the other.

As one of the players called the hand and laid out his cards, another one stood up in amazement.

"Hey, George is cheatin'. He ain't playin' the cards I dealt him!"

Gary Learns No Limit Hold'em

Ah, the no limit experience. Makes me recall the time I ordered a grilled cheese sandwich. When I ordered it, I had a few hundred in chips. It was a $20 buyin no limit game. A few minutes later, as I was getting up from my chair, the waitress brings my sandwich. They cost $1.10. She didn't even look at the spot of green felt in front of my chair, she just looked at my face and said, "You can't pay for this, can you?".

Bulldog Poker Player

A guy shows up at his Thursday night poker game with his bulldog. The dog jumps on on an empty seat and the guy buys him some chips.

As the dealer starts to pass the dog by, the guy says, "Hey, deal my dog in!"
Everyone looks rather askance but they deal him in.

To everyone's surprise, the dog picks up the cards and begins to play!
After a few hands one of the guys says, "Say, that's amazing! Your dog ought to be in the Guiness Book of Records!"

The dog owner says, "Nah, he sees too many flops and is a sucker for a check-raise."

The Leprechaun

A guy was playing 10-20 holdem and was stuck about 300 dollars when he looked down beside the table and saw a little green leprechuan.
"Quit playing poker forever right now and I'll give you a pot of gold worth a million dollars.", said the little fellow.
The player replied, "Let me get even first."

Bill Gates get's a Poker Lesson

Bill Gates dies and goes to heaven. Saint Peter greets him at the pearly gates and says, "Bill you're such a unique individual that we've decided to give you a choice between heaven and hell."
Bill thinks about this and asks if he can get a look at the two options.
St. Peter says, "Sure, I've got a couple of windows you can look through."
So he opens the window to heaven and Bill sees lots of angels sitting on clouds plucking harps.
Peter then opens the second window to hell. It's a brightly lit casino – lots of people drinking, laughing, and having a good time. There are naked dancing girls on stage and in the corner a nice little poker room. Doyle, Mike and other poker greats are playing Bill's favorite $3-$6 Hold'em. There's an empty seat with chips and they wave at Bill to come join them in the game. Bill tells Saint Peter that he's decided that hell looks like its more fun than heaven and he wants to join the poker game. Saint Peter snaps his fingers and Bill's wish is granted.

Well about 6 months go by and Saint Peter decides to see how his friend Bill is doing. He opens the window to hell and there is Bill shacked by his ankles, hanging over a fiery pit. Peter asks him how he likes his new home.
Bill says, "Saint Peter, this isn't anything like you showed me. What happened?"
Saint Peter responds, "Sorry Bill, I thought you realized that was just the demo version".