Poker Joke Of The Day : General Chat - Page 2

Famous Poker Player

A young man was in a card room one day with his new girlfriend. It's their first date and everything is going well, barring the occasional period of silence. The girlfriend goes to "powder her nose" and while she is away, the young man spots somebody at another table that looks incredibly like Mike "Mad Genius" Caro. So, he pops over and approaches Mike.
"Excuse me," says the young man, "but you half look like Mike Caro. I don't suppose....."

"Well," interrupts Mike, "actually, I am Mike Caro."

Well, the young man is almost speechless, but does continue, "Look Mike, I think you're great. I've got all your books and videos and blah, blah, blah, etc......could you do me a favor?"

"What ever you want,"says Mike.

"Well, you see I'm at another table with my new girlfriend and it would really impress her if you would just come up to me and say, 'Hello Steve'."

"Sure, no problem." says Mike.

So Steve rushes back to his table and his girlfriend returns. A few moments later, over pops Mike to their table and goes up to Steve.

"Hi Steve, how you doing?" says Mike.

Steve looks up and says, "Oh, fuck off, Mike.

Keep Your Eyes On The Right Things

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at a craps table. A very attractive brunette comes in and wants to bet ten thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm not wearing a top." With that said she pulls off her top and rolls the dice while screaming, "Momma needs a new blouse." She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers. "YES! I win - I win." She grabs up her money and top and quickly leaves the table.
The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?" The other answers, "I thought you were watching!"

Tipping the Dealer

A blackjack dealer and a player with a thirteen count in his hand were arguing about whether or not it was appropriate to tip the dealer.

The player said, "When I get bad cards, it's not the dealer's fault. Accordingly, when I get good cards, the dealer obviously had nothing to do with it so, why should I tip him?"

The dealer said, "When you eat out do you tip the waiter?"

"Yes."

"Well then, he serves you food, I'm serving you cards so you should tip me."

"Okay, but, the waiter gives me what I ask for. I'll take an eight.

3 Poker Dont's

- Don't ask the dealer about the odds on strip poker.

- Don't use a Jamaican accent while playing Caribbean poker.

- Don't butt into a private multiplayer poker tournament game saying "mind if I join in".

Gamblers Anonymous

Rodney Dangerfield joined Gamblers Anonymous. They gave him three-to-one he wouldn't make it.

Mind Bet

The best bet for a player to make is what is called a "Mind Bet" You stand behind the game watch the action and attempt to predict the winner. You never bet any real money you only bet in your mind. Last week a friend of mine lost his mind three times.

Pizza and Poker Player

What's the difference between a large cheese pizza and a poker player?

A large cheese pizza can feed a family of 4, a poker player can't.

how do you get a poker player off your porch?

Pay him for the pizza....

Poker Sucker

"I you're playing a poker game and you look around the table and you can't tell who the sucker is, it's you."
Paul Newman

A Naked Surprise

A woman who plays cards once a month with a group of friends was concerned that she always woke her husband when she came home around 11:30. One night she decided to try not to rouse him. She undressed in the living room and, purse over arm, tiptoed nude into the bedroom - only to find her husband sitting up in bed reading. "Dammit woman!" he exclaimed. "Did you lose everything?"

A Trip to Las Vegas

A man comes home to find his wife packing her bags. "Where are you going?" demands the surprised husband. "To Las Vegas! I found out that there are men that will pay me $500 to do what I do for you for free!"
The man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began packing HIS bags. "What do you think you are doing?" she screamed.
"I'm going to Las Vegas with you... I want to see how you're going to live on $1000 a year!"

At What Stake?

Bill was feeling ill at work, and left after lunch to go home. He walked into the house and found his wife in the arms of another man. He started to yell at the swine, "What right have you got to be making love to my wife?"

"You may as well know that I am in love with her and I would like to marry her." the man answered calmly, "I understand you're a gambler. Why don't you be a good sport and sit down and play a game of gin rummy with me? If I lose, I'll never see her again; if you lose, you must agree to divorce her."

"Okay," replied Bill, "but just to make it a little more interesting, why don't we play for a dollar a point as well?"

Betting The Manager

One day Jayne walked into a bank to deposit a large sum of money she had won in the casino.

Jayne walked up to the cashier and handed over a cheque for $850,000. The cashier insisted on checking such a large a mount, and so a few minutes later the bank manager appeared to take a look. The bank manager, curious ad how Jayne came to have so much money, started to ask some questions.

"How did you get so much money?"

"Well", she replies, "I'm a bit of a gambler..."

"Really?!" the manager replied, and started to give Jayne a lecture about the evils of gambling.

"No really, it's fun!" insisted Jayne. "I bet you $10,000 that your balls are square!".

The manager was a bit shocked, but after thinking it though, thought that there was no way he could loose the bet. So they shook hands and went out in to the car park so Jayne could check his balls. Standing in the car park was a man wearing a gray suit.

"This is my attorney," said Jayne. "He's here to make sure everything is legal."

"OK" said the bank manager, so Jayne stepped up in front of him, unzipped his trousers and gave his balls a good feel.

"You're right, they're not square!"

The manager smiled and looked over to the lawyer, who at this point was banging his head on the car. Confused, the manager asked Jayne, "What's wrong with your lawyer?"

"Oh, I bet him $100,000 I would have your balls in my hands in five minutes."

Big Gambling Problem

Tony, had a serious gambling problem, every time he came home his wife would ask him how much money he lost at the casino.

Then one night, Tony didn’t came home at all.

Finally he arrived home at 9 AM. His wife was furious at him.

Tony smiled at her and said, "I have something to confess, I was at the bar last night, got drunk, and went home with the barmaid. We had the most incredible sex ever."

"Don't give me that rubbish," his wife snapped. "Come on, tell me, how much did you lose last night?"

Bingo Card

This guy had a very attractive wife, who was always wanting clothes, jewelry, etc., but he was not too well off.
One day his wife came home with a diamond necklace.
The guy asked: "Where did you get that from?"
His wife replied: "I won it at bingo"
The next night she came home with a mink coat.
The guy asked: "Where did you get that from?"
His wife replied: "I won it at bingo"
The next night she came home with a Mercedes Benz.
The guy asked: "Where did you get that from"
His wife replied: "Look!! Don't keep asking where I get my things from! Go upstairs and set my bath for me!!"
His wife came upstairs to find a small amount of water in the tub.
The wife asked: "How come you put so little water in the tub?"
The guy replied: "I didn't want to wet your bingo card"